Christmas is time for hanging with the Fam, drinking hot coco, and watching strange and depressing Christmas movies with Grandma on Lifetime television. The latter may just be me, but it’s still a time to hang out with family and remember how much you love that strange uncle, or the crazy lady who always shows up to family reunions even though she’s not really part of the family.
The best way to survive these crazy weeks of family cheer is to breakout dank local-multiplayer games, and show them your hidden competitive side, a mix between a Velociraptor and a non-racist Donald Trump.
Who doesn’t love a good Christmas brawl or Battle Royal? And, without a doubt some intense and competitive couch multiplayer games can create such fun opportunities. Here is a compilation of games I recommend, or if you want a silent night, then I definitely don’t recommend it.
The first is for the aerial members in your family. It incorporates everything good about Christmas, including destruction, guns, presents, explosions, rooftops and roasted ducks. The most important game mechanic, however, is its name. That’s right, it’s called Duck Game.
This game could have another name…
Duck Game is for family members who really like to get quacking on Christmas morning when the gifts are bestowed from under the tree. Just be careful, because as Duck Game teaches, not everything inside presents is good. There are worse things than coal.
Literally, a spartan laser.
Duck Game is about as much fun as Christmas morning, provided everyone is a non-flying angry duck. All players receive a variety of very dangerous toys!
The key to success lies in the Upper Right-hand room
Look, as I spread Christmas cheer, burning ducks for all to hear. (cue evil Laugh)
Next up, it’s a game that isn’t dark, contrary to its name. In fact, it’s a rather light-hearted, historical reenactment of what goes on in the kitchen every holiday season. That is, if mashed-potatoes were crossbows, and roasted turkeys were laser guns. It’s Knight Squad.
This game embellishes on the scene from Shrek that parody’s Cops. But, Knight Squad is more like, Knight SWAT!
Whole new pepper spray.
Knight Squad is true craziness because it forces players to stab and shoot their way to glory. The numerous modes aren’t’ bad either, especially when you play soccer with a giant bolder.
Instead of jousting, they play soccer.
The best thing about Knight Squad is that it supports 8-players, so, you can also include that lady who shows up at family events. It’s great because in the end, Knight Squad makes everyone angry, so no one is the odd duck.
Survival of the Knightiest.
More fun can be had if you pretend the Red Knight is Santa Clause. Make Santa the Juggernaut, and give him a freakin’ mini-gun. This is as close as we get to a video game version of Weird Al Yankovic’s song, The Night Santa Went Crazy.
The game where Santa goes crazy.
Next, on my weird list of strange games, is the cheating game. It’s best for family members who just can’t help themselves, or the friends who make you so angry when you’re playing Halo split-screen. Oh wait, you can’t do that anymore. The name of the game is Screencheat.
Rag doll love.
This is the only game where cheating won’t get you repeatedly shot in the face with a Nerf gun. Everyone is invisible. In order to You must look at an opponent’s screens to find out where they are. The best part is, the maps are a bunch of crazy beautiful colors, like my Grandma’s fruit-cake, so locating opponents is easy.
It’s is also great if you’re trying to understand someone else’s perspective…literally. Added bonus, you can kill opponents with a rocking horse. If there’s a small child in your house, this is the only plausible option for after game fights.
Games are often close.
Always sass, with each death.
Invisible prey to stalk.
Finally, the game I’ve been punched over, TowerFall Ascension. Everyone can be an archer, which really helps other players get the point, and it’s just as much fun as arrow roulette. This game turns hours into minutes, and friends into werewolves. It’s fast, it’s frenetic, and you’ll never value an arrow so much.
Santa’s workshop is full of more maps than elves, and more modifiers than the average number of bulbs on an American Christmas tree. You can be a ghost as you enjoy sweet, sweet revenge. (Cue evil laugh, again)
What’s in the Chest? (www.gamespot.com)
The purple person is about to get hit by her own arrow. (www.polygon.com)
I hope you enjoyed the list. These games are chaotic, and meant to relieve the holiday stress. Grab them, and give your family a few Christmas games that keep on giving.
Remember, be cautious when opening your gifts ’cause you never know what’s inside. Unless you look, in which case, you’re on the naughty list anyway, and you’ll probably get coal.
Happy Holidays, “quack, quack.”
— Ollie, Master of Stealth and Assassination (ducks out)